Anyways, back to the proposed issue. My life has become a circus, and I am the main act. You'll see me later, I play the jester, the broken hearted fool, you know the one who is supposed to entertain the king and everyone he is with ... yea... that's me. My intention was to walk away from a problem involving people close to me, at least with enough dignity just to hold my head up, but there wasn't really even room for that. I never cried out, I never screamed at anyone, I just simply walked away.
Apparently my "walking away" wasn't acceptable. I had to listen to the other side now. I didn't want to, I had already heard it all, so what could you possibly have thought of differently from here til now.
I think that we all expected this to end differently, and no one prepares us for the fall out. I'm not bitter anymore... and I think this is why I find it strange. I let the situation simmer in my brain until i found the right time to do what I needed to do to address the issue. The right time came sudden, like a snap, almost like a dam broke in my head.. and all the emotions I felt, poured into a seamless unaddressed letter which I mailed to hell. The worst burn was actually yesterday, when I found out you told her that I knew of the situation.....now I look like the fool who didn't address the pain.
Unanswered questions lead people to assume the worst. But even if I had wanted to speak, I was so worried that the words that came out of my mouth at that time would not be what I meant. When the numbness turned to anger, that's where I pieced together everything. For the sake of others involved this is why I chose to walk away.
Now you can say what you want to in spite of your anger... call me a bitch, call me crazy, a stage 5 clinger and a know-it-all. I won't deny I am something of the 4. But I am hurt because I thought that you had enough respect for me to let me bow out in peace. I didn't need to leave a reason.. you know that reason all too well.
Bottom line is this... I knew that it was time for us both to move on, or at least me. I never anticipated cold-shouldering you like i did, but it was only to protect you from the pain and words I started feeling. I think that you thought I was accepting a situation that I never fully was digesting. In reality, I put it on the back burner until my birthday.
Maybe it was the 4 friends I had the next day that asked me who you were ..."you know, that guy you were flirting with last night that you used to to talk to. Isn't that your friend that was talking to him? Who was that other chick that showed up later?" repeat 4x
Tonite, you have said some unbelievable low blows.... I am better than that. I tried to retaliate to your hurtful words at first, only found myself stopping short. I am not that person to pretend...
sad thing is.. I still care about you guys... even after it all. and like i said..
some day I will talk about it, some day I will mention it to you, I want to be over this
and even more strong than you
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