...

i think i tried to post something last night and was too drunk to realize that it had timed me out of my site.  Probably for the best, because it didn't say how I really felt.

"So I let you go

And I watch you leave
And I hold my breath
So you don't hear me scream
When you walk away
But the words are only in my head
It's not what I said
It's what I didn't say"

what to say

well once again it's 3 am.  what better to find than a bottle of alcohol and a place to write.  I have tried to avoid the situations that have led me to feel unbelievably upset... kinda hard when facebook status  becomes the media choice you fight on.  It reminds me somewhat of childlike arguments when I was in 6th grade on AIM, when someone would paste you a comment made by another... ha... good times.

Anyways, back to the proposed issue.  My life has become a circus, and I am the main act. You'll see me later, I play the jester, the broken hearted fool, you know the one who is supposed to entertain the king and everyone he is with ... yea... that's me.  My intention was to walk away from a problem involving people close to me, at least with enough dignity just to hold my head up, but there wasn't really even room for that.  I never cried out, I never screamed at anyone, I just simply walked away.

Apparently my "walking away" wasn't acceptable.  I had to listen to the other side now. I didn't want to, I had already heard it all, so what could you possibly have thought of differently from here til now. 

I think that we all expected this to end differently, and no one prepares us for the fall out.  I'm not bitter anymore... and I think this is why I find it strange.  I let the situation simmer in my brain until i found the right time to do what I needed to do to address the issue.  The right time came sudden, like a snap, almost like a dam broke in my head.. and all the emotions I felt, poured into a seamless unaddressed letter which I mailed to hell.  The worst burn was actually yesterday, when I found out you told her that I knew of the situation.....now I look like the fool who didn't address the pain.

 

Unanswered questions lead people to assume the worst. But even if I had wanted to speak, I was so worried that the words that came out of my mouth at that time would not be what I meant.  When the numbness turned to anger, that's where I pieced together everything. For the sake of others involved this is why I chose to walk away. 

Now you can say what you want to in spite of your anger... call me a bitch, call me crazy, a stage 5 clinger and a know-it-all. I won't deny I am something of the 4. But I am hurt because I thought that you had enough respect for me to let me bow out in peace. I didn't need to leave a reason.. you know that reason all too well.

Bottom line is this... I knew that it was time for us both to move on, or at least me. I never anticipated cold-shouldering you like i did, but it was only to protect you from the pain and words I started feeling. I think that you thought I was accepting a situation that I never fully was digesting.  In reality, I put it on the back burner until my birthday.   

Maybe it was the 4 friends I had the next day that asked me who you were ..."you know, that guy you were flirting with last night that you used to to talk to.  Isn't that your friend that was talking to him?  Who was that other chick that showed up later?" repeat 4x 

Tonite, you have said some unbelievable low blows.... I am better than that.  I tried to retaliate to your hurtful words at first, only found myself stopping short. I am not that person to pretend...

sad thing is.. I still care about you guys... even after it all.   and like i said..

some day I will talk about it, some day I will mention it to you, I want to be over this

and even more strong than you 

time for blogging...

First, I would like to add that the optional typefaces suck on this thing... gotta be a way to change that. 

Second, you know I wrote into blogs as a student all the time but never was enthused about them.  Now after just realizing the full benefit of Twitter, I'm trying to reopen my eyes to different networking situations...makes for a good past time and in a way is kind of like a livejournal or something. 

I often have a lot to say, but there are limitations to posting your personal beliefs on facebook, just because i seem to know so many people that it starts to become a similar situation of dancing around naked waving flags in front of the whole world. So I have decided to limit my voice on FB and make it a personal option to view my opinion.

so cheers to popping my blog cherry! 

song of the day: "once" rascal flatts

well time to get back into networking!  This is all new to me... I needed a new way to voice my opinion without FB and Twitter, so here it is... if you don't want to read it then don't!

song of the day: "once" rascal flatts