i felt you escaping me even when i held you close

seeping through my hands, burning like nitrous gas

i tried to keep us glued together as long as possible

but you were so damned determined to break

i finally gave in when you drew back your heart

i realized i cant win everything no matter what i try

so i pulled out my roots and migrated northbound

but dont think i didn't look over my shoulder a few times

i wonder if all the loves i had resulted in a similar way

friends filling our minds with lies to provoke our separate paths

peeling a make believe layer of poison ivy

in reality it was only scratching at an innocent skin

breathless

W.I.P.

anxiety is a feeling of pause.

as if the world were to go on moving while you stood breathless.

i've been there, that breathless moment... literally.

a pre-determined "asthma" that would stop my breath dead in it's tracks.

you never know how different the world looks breathless....

..watching the world around you carry on as you stand there gasping, stunned, confused.

depending on your age,various things will come to mind...

did i say the right thing to my kids, did i tell my husband i love him,

will my teacher excuse my absence, will my friends forget me if i am gone today,

will my dad forgive me for this ambulance bill, will my mom show up if she knew i am in ICU?

I sometimes desire those breathless moments.

my brain has never been more clear than grasping for air.

it regresses to the fundamentals and instincts a human needs and wants to leave behind.

what do you want to leave behind?

my brick

i have no right to care anymore.

i gave you all that i have to offer.

I try but i always fail with multiple hands.

i dont think i will view someone ever the same.

but this is the time.

and we were the bottom line.

maybe it's all just a sign.

we were both living beyond refine.

there is a part of me searching.

looking for an easy way out..

if you don't notice when i slip out

it wont really hurt you right?

so ill stop my own fall

build up my own brick wall

lock up the exit down the hall

and leave no reason left to stall.

words escape me without a bit of sound

ive left it written all over my face

your lies are creating fresh new creases

folds to hide behind this flushed canvas space

so here we are

another new reason to deny

all the excuses break down to a lie

staring out my car

there's so much we have to hide

everything to bring out good-bye.....

pain deeper than a solo tearful cry

so why do we even try

so go on and put the blame on me

if it makes you better

you know it's not like i like to see you

drown in what you fester

but remember who you're speaking to

when you vomit out your words

i've been thereby your side to lean on

but i also know how to make you hurt

when you... crash into pieces

who's always there to break the fall

when you... trash all your dreams

who's always the one you need to call

     i am not your enemy

     i've always been your scape to blame

     and i refuse to watch you jump

     you lit your own fire of pain

damned memoirs you finely cut

sift between my cracks of faults

i found them hiding near orifices 

collecting into clumps of salt

this is how you view my heart

taping my fragile wings to the light 

dissecting my translucent moves

to view from your judgmental sighr

....another drunken not finished rant

separations have been recognized..

those that i bluntly cut with a knife

my heart has been tossed to the side

for what is ruined i will just leave behind

so go on

tell me where you know you went wrong

same song

some much so that i can sing a long

.........

theres a death inside...

it's yours and its mine...

theres a death inside....

that you left me to find....

.........

i thought this was over when i turned away

but nothing seems to be ending this way

its stuck to my heart, leaving me to fall apart

with a list of reasons that i should not stay

everything that glitters... is not gold lyrics and more

Everything that Glitters, is not gold

(Dan Seals)

Saw your picture on a poster in a cafe out in Phoenix

Guess you're still the sweet heart of the rodeo

As for me and little Casey we still make the circuit

In a one horse trailer and a mobile home

And she still asks about you all the time

And I guess we never even cross your mind


Chorus:

But oh sometimes I think about you

And the way you used to ride out

In your rhinestones and your sequins

With the sunlight on your hair

And oh the crowd will always love you

But as for me I've come to know

Everything that glitters is not gold


Well old Red he's getting older

And last Saturday he stumbled

But you know I just can't bear to let him go

Little Casey she's still growing

And she's started asking questions

And there's certain things a man just doesn't know

Her birthday came and you never even called

I guess we never cross your mind at all


Chorus:

But oh sometimes I think about you

And the way you used to ride out

In your rhinestones and your sequins

With the sunlight on your hair

And oh the crowd will always love you

But as for me I've come to know

Everything that glitters is not gold


Everybody said you'd make it big someday

And I guess that we were only in your way

But someday I'm sure your gonna know the cost

Cause for everything you win there's something lost

this song, in its purity, is about a mother who made it big and left her daughter and spouse behind.

In my mind i remember being that young one to not understand, and though my mom never made it big, I wonder if my dad ever looks at it like my mother escaped to another mindset.. and left us here.  Although my dad always had the upper hand financially.. you can't ever mend a relationship lost bonded by a child. For this, i hope they play this at my mother's fucking funeral, along with "Everything" by Buckcherry.  Good nite.